(Note: This post originally appeared on my blogspot blog here. Datestamped footnotes with commentary may have been added for my own reflection and amusement.)
Classic hits is an attempt to consolidate all my internet written content, and also to revisit it from the present.
This was written on October 27th, 2003 on livejournal1, and the 21 year old Craig was still very much in a Jason Lee in mallrats phase of his life involving a lot of rants and general malaise directed mostly towards the opposite sex. He also was not very self confident around the ladies. The ‘wahh, nobody wants a nice guy’ stuff is especially fun. Just soak in the angst!
Warning: if you are the average girl, this will probably piss you off.
Everyday, be it through general observation in the outside world or cruising the away messages and profiles on my buddy list, somebody says, does, or writes something that just kind of pisses me off. These somebodies usually have no Y chromosome2. Now don’t get me wrong, There are way more than enough idiot guys around, but for some reason the things I’m about to talk about are more of an irritant. Fire and ice, baby.3
First on the list- no matter who your boyfriend is and how many nice things he does for you, odds are he is not the best boyfriend in the world. In order to fit that criteria the guy would have to be able to deliver amazing sex, take you shopping, buy you roses and dinner, appreciate your feelings, and ride a white horse, all at the same time. If you can document your boyfriend doing this, then I’ll give you that one. I also request the videotape, as it would be highly amusing.
Next- girls are not apples on a tree. They’re not bananas or pears either (but maybe melons AM I RITE? ROTFLOLOLOOLLL). “Boys don’t want to reach for the good ones because they’re afraid of falling and getting hurt.” What? Speaking for myself, if all the best girls were at the top of the tree, I sure as hell would own a lot more climbing equipment. But, it’s not that simple. I just think this is a ridiculous metaphor. Relationships and why they do and don’t happen are quite a bit more complicated than you don’t have a boyfriend because the guy who’s supposed to be with you is having saucy apple sex with all the rotten fruit sluts on the bottom branch. Odds are you don’t want the idiots chasing after every fruit, vegetable, and legume that gives it up easy anyway. On second thought, maybe this is true and those patient good climbers do eventually come for the best women. Perhaps this is why I see all the best women with stupid apes :p.
Third- I realize many of you ladies fantasize about being a princess. Waiting for that prince on the white horse to come and sweep you off your feet and live happily ever after. Ain’t gonna happen. True love does happen, and I’ve seen it.4 That doesn’t mean there’s such thing as a problem free relationship. You may meet some person that complements you so completely that you can live the rest of your life with them. But odds are this person will not be the guy that comes on to you in the bar and feeds you exactly what you want to hear so he can get you to come back home with him. You want to know why you keep getting mixed up with assholes? Because flattery gets them everywhere and they know it. I’m becoming bitter and disenchanted enough to subscribe to the “not many girls want a nice guy” school of thought anyway. In real life, a true happy to the end relationship is a two way street. A guy should work hard to earn the affection of a lady, but it’s like the transcontinental railroad- you need people working from both directions. I mean come on, that loveable ragtag bunch of railroad workers from California can’t get the job done by themselves!
Complete with embarassing comments section! (08/2013)↩
The only real thing I have to add 10 years later is it’s painful and funny to see in my old self the casual misogyny of someone who can’t figure out why he can’t get the girl. I keep these posts around to remind myself that I’ve written some really clever, but really dumb and immature things. (08/2013) ↩
Tell us more, oh wise one. (08/2013)↩